New Post from Don

One of my biggest fears in relationship is of my own self judgment. Unless I become aware of my basic feeling of unworthiness, and no longer unconsciously employ relationship to get rid of it, I will abandon my social integrity: my communication and behavior will likely have a more or less artificial flavor to it. Most of my discomfort in relationship is traceable to my wanting some form of approval from the other that I hope will dispel this inadequacy –  and then fearing not getting it. My fear is proportional to the emotional importance I have assigned whoever am trying to impress.

To elicit this approval I put on a mask that I believe will successfully impress the other with qualities such as intelligence, success, beauty, talent, power, spirituality, eccentricity, humility, etc. Should my impression seem successful, my harsh self-judgment will temporarily abate; I will at last be worthy. To achieve this I make an unrelenting effort to live up to my standards, remaining tensely on guard for “mistakes”. Should I behave “badly”, failing to display my chosen qualities that I hope will elicit the admiration that I believe I require to feel adequate, I return swiftly to my default setting of judging  myself, doing so with increased intensity. As a result of this struggle, my social life is often tiring and unrewarding.

What do you do with safety and boundary issues?

Lets say the guy is disrespectful of the woman’s boundaries. I might say to him, “Is it at all important to you to live with a partner who feels safe and respected?” If they say no, I wouldn’t work with them. If yes, I’d ask how he feels about the fact that his partner doesn’t. Does it bother him? I’m looking for some structure. Sometimes I get close, look him in the eye, and focus like a laser: “You realize your relationship is hanging by a very, very thin thread. I presume you care, and would like to keep it going. You have to hear this. You must create an atmosphere where she feels safe, and you haven’t been doing it. You must make a serious commitment not to violate her boundaries. If I told you that you get 10 million dollars if you didn’t violate her boundaries this week, I’ll bet you would succeed. I can tell you, having a loving, happy relationship is worth a lot more than 10 million dollars.” Sometimes you have to get heavy to break through the thickness of someone’s defensive wall. But the heaviness is always done with respect, and they feel it. There is an ideal out there that therapists are supposed to be a certain way: cool, with equanimity – I don’t believe in that.

A common phenomenon occurs with couples when an unwanted pattern of behavior, instead of being adequately dealt with, persists indefinitely. Generally this breeds increasing resentment over time. What impedes resolution? In order to deal successfully with unwanted patterns a series of events must take place all the way to conclusion. Any interruption is enough to block the final result.

First one or both partners need to recognize they are discontent with the situation and would like change. Then whoever is discontent needs to free him/herself from blame; otherwise any communication will be especially challenging to let in. Next, there needs to be a clear communication about the discontent, emphasizing what new behavior is wanted. This communication must be heard and understood, which implies no defensiveness on the part of the listener. After successful communication comes a mutual understanding and agreement to deal with the discomfort. This is followed by deciding on a mutually acceptable strategy, involving an agreement to change behavior. Finally, the agreement must be taken seriously and adhered to over time.

Summed up:

1.     Discontent acknowledged

2.     Blame released

3.     Communication heard successfully

4.     Agreement to handle

5.     Strategy for handling

6.     Abiding by strategy

The persistence of an unwanted pattern of behavior indicates that somewhere in this process is an interruption in the flow.  To get unstuck it is important to locate exactly where the energy is blocked. For example, if the interruption is before #1, the partners haven’t even realized how much they don’t like the behavior. Perhaps one or both are used to resigning themselves to uncomfortable situations. Between #1 and #2 means although they have realized their discontent, they still close their heart to their partner, which is always felt, and inhibits desire to change. Between #2 and #3 means that whoever is discontent hasn’t succeeded in getting through to the other, usually because the other is defensive and can’t hear their truth, or possibly because the communication isn’t clear. Between #3 and #4 means that, even though the discontent with the situation has been successfully communicated, something has gotten in the way of actually agreeing to deal with it. Perhaps one partner hasn’t yet learned that when their partner is strongly discontent, it is well to make it the business of both.  Another possibility is that they don’t like the situation, but lack the will to change, feeling like a victim of something beyond their control.  Between #4 and 5 the partners will agree that they must do something about this situation, but they remain too vague. To deal with a long-standing behavioral habit requires that they get serious and focused enough to come up with a specific, workable plan. Between #5 and #6 they do come up with a plan, which inevitably involves an agreement to change behavior, but their failure to change implies the agreement was not taken seriously enough.

[Josh] There aren’t [positive] messages around age in the Media…they seem to intensify a fear of death.

[Don] Death is much more real to me.

Has it been a gradual process?

It has been gradual, with quantum leaps at certain birthdays ending in 0 or 5. 55 was big one; I rounded a bend and the castle was closer. And 70 as well. I am aware many die suddenly when they are my age. I am not certain I will be alive tonight. This brings a poignancy in my life with Martha and those close; it makes it more precious.

Is it different from the way you related to death in your 20’s and 30’s?

Back then I knew there was death, but I felt it was so far in the future, I had so much ahead of me, that it wasn’t real, I didn’t really believe it, it was too abstract.

I am thinking of self destructive behaviors.

The reason I stopped self destructive behaviors was because of the way they felt now, or the morning after – not because of their long term effects. The me of the future was abstract. The ego doesn’t care that I buy bananas that come from people’s hard labor, unfairly paid. They are  other, and not real. In the same way, the future me who is going to suffer the long term effect of my current behavior, is like other. So ego doesn’t care about him, he is too abstract. Why would ego care about some other person; he cares only about me now.

There seems to be a schism around finding safety, adequacy, peace, in the moment, and having consciousness around the effects of your behaviors in the moment.

Everything I said just then is in brackets, it’s what ego says. When ego tries to find safety, peace, comfort in the moment, it never really succeeds. All of its relationships are based on safety through non-love. Seeing the truth of that, seeing what an utter failure ego has been in making me happy, causes me to relate to it in a different way. I used to believe it unquestioningly. Kind of like if you lived in the south one hundred years ago, and your preacher, the voice of god, there since birth, said you go to hell for eternity if you don’t live according to his rules… often amounting to child abuse, by the way. You assume that’s true. One day you suddenly realize, “Who says so? Why should I assume this guy speaks Truth? It’s bullshit.” That’s the beginning of the end. I do the same with my ego. I can’t stop its thoughts from appearing. But I don’t have to believe them. Not believing your thoughts is one of the great principles.

Is there a way to get there without dogma, conditioning from the fundamentalist perspective; or, going through the experience and suffering through it?

Everyone has a certain amount of suffering to go through, although some have to go through a great deal more than others.

But you say it isn’t necessary.

I don’t really know the answer; but I suspect some suffering in the early stages is necessary. But I think the lessons don’t have to be painful after a certain point. When you suffer, and learn from your suffering, you don’t have to keep suffering to learn new things. Most of my lessons now are not suffering. You ask is there a way. My way is jnana yoga, using the mind as far as it can go, pointing, and then jumping off the cliff and not using the mind to discover the truth, investigating, looking freshly. It’s not a path for the majority of people. To me the way you discover is by being deeply interested. Newton was asked how he discovered the Law of Gravity, and he answered, “By thinking about it all the time.” Making certain things so important that you just don’t let go of them. You are not on some casual new trip. And when something is important it pops up everywhere, and you look at it through many different lenses. The central thing you see is that outer circumstances are completely inadequate and unreliable as a means of making you feel deeply fulfilled and happy.

And the paradox of that is the totality of my experience is through my senses.

Wait. Lets say you were meditating now, looking freshly. You want to experience the totality of consciousness now. You see things, hear sounds, feel the body breathing; but you also notice thoughts, mood, fears, desires, and the pure hum of being alive. That’s not senses. The quality in what we call the inner, which goes along every moment with the outer, is much more conducive to whether you feel deeply comfortable and satisfied than anything in the outer. In meditation I sometimes ask myself, what is it that is keeping me from feeling deeply good right now? It is an interesting question.

[Josh]  What is a healthy relationship to sex that goes beyond the view of sex as “bad” or sinful, but also beyond the need for guilt?

[Don] Mistakes often come in polar opposites. With sex one view is the Victorian thing, the other is the “Hippy” thing: as in if it feels good, do it. These views fail to allow the quality of seriousness and sacredness of sex to grow, and not as a casual pleasure with no consequences. Some learn it by going over the edge and both suffer. There are also other ways of learning besides suffering. In meditation you look at something freshly – like you see a dead animal and forget the word “dead”, and you ask, what is that? Some day this body will look like that. You learn a lot looking without condition. I look at sex in the same way. Why is it important? Is the importance getting off, sensual pleasure,  the building of excitement until orgasm? Is it the knowledge that I am a successful lover? Or does it have another dimension? When I do it am I really present the way a musician is while playing? In music the meaning of this moment is not that it will get later to a climax. The meaning of this moment is the beauty of this moment. In making love the tendency is to lean to the future, going towards orgasm. Also, people tend not to be connected with each other.

All of that seems true. Yet sex can be a rite of passage, a glimpse into another level of consciousness and life, a gateway. There can be a biochemical oneness. I was thinking about the conditioning factors that make it object and pleasure oriented. Are there ways of dealing with the conditioning?

I think the biggest piece is the hooking up of sex with adequacy. With both men and women. Look at woman’s magazines. Be more attractive to attract more men. Once in bed, 101 ways to turn him on. It’s reduced to learning how to dress and behave to turn men on. That’s hooking sex into adequacy. Most pretend to the world their sex life is good. They look at the magazines and read they are supposed to have 7.8 orgasms a week. Some couples do it 2 times a year, and feel really inadequate. This problem can’t be solved at its own level. Doing that would be stuff you could do sexually to be more exciting to each other. What’s needed is a change in the way the relationship feels, so both feel more love and respect. From that place you can explore in a different spirit.

Is it all bullshit?

Any need I have to feel adequate that depends on my performance in the world, whether it be sexual or otherwise, that implies I can be unworthy if my performance isn’t good? Yes, I think that’s bullshit. To find my adequacy from being successful, including in sex, is a never ending source of pain. Unconditional love needs to apply to myself. Religions tend to say God loves you as long as you follow our rules.

To look for adequacy through sexuality is one of the greatest mistakes, and almost universal. As long as sexuality is hooked with adequacy, I’m going to be judging and weighing whether things are going right, uptight that they won’t, and my freedom and enjoyment and pleasure is inhibited. It also inhibits the other spirit of non-ego-based sex. That hasn’t been much explored. Sex can be a meditation between two people, exploring what sexual energy feels like without a goal or purpose, other than to be present and connected in the moment.

[Josh] Define the work.

[Don] Learning to be aware of the conscious and unconscious obstacles to real intimacy, including the incapacity to communicate about difficult matters without getting defensive. Hearing and understanding each other, putting yourself in the other’s place. Interrupting habits of how we are with each other, becoming aware of how often our heart is closed, and how often we talk disrespectfully to our partner. Being healthily dissatisfied with that and wishing to change. Putting all this into actual practice in daily life. The mechanisms include open hearted listening and conversation and for disrespectful tone, run that by again. And a commitment to time together on a daily and weekly basis, to be in relationship, with no excuses about being busy. A major thing in the way [of building relationships] is that people don’t see that their dissatisfaction with life is coming from within themselves; they think it is coming from their partner’s lack of love, bank account, work, children, health, Sarah Palin…

(laughs)

I try to let things be as they are.

Letting things be is half of it, the healthy female energy, accepting the moment, not resisting, not fighting against what is. The other half is the healthy male energy that says “NO” to whatever is preventing me from having the life I want. It could be attitude, habit, putting up with a job I don’t like, closing my heart – that’s the part I don’t want to accept entirely.

…I’m thinking of people not doing the work. It’s not complicated. What would be the complicating factors?

The reasons people give for not doing it are seldom the actual reasons. A typical excuse is “We are too busy.” The actual reason is “I am afraid to. What if I found I didn’t love my partner? What if I found that things weren’t good, or they didn’t love me? What if all the anger I’ve shoved down comes pouring out? What if it is opening Pandora’s Box? What if sexual issues arise?” These fears prevent people from coming together and focusing on the relationship. As long as you are busy with a million things you don’t have to face that.

Is that why people come to counseling, in crisis?

Yes, if you imply that the crisis arises from neglecting issues which fester and become worse until they are a crisis. Things don’t stay the same; if you neglect them, they get worse. The wall gets thicker…

You either have a relationship where you can count on being really understood about anything, or you can’t. It is impossible to have real intimacy if you can’t.

All my relational issues can be reduced at bottom to a single one: how do I open my closed heart? It’s the central factor in the success of all my relationships, and in my being fulfilled as well. This  desirable outcome seldom happens by itself. It takes a profound interest in my mechanism of heart-closing. Under what conditions does my heart close? How does it close? What lies behind its closing? Is it a reflex? Is it required? Is it conscious or unconscious? What is its effect? Does it make sense to me? Do I have any say in it? And most important, do I ardently wish it not to close? Of course, becoming deeply interested in these questions will not open the heart immediately. Nevertheless, it will point to a new direction and awareness, which, if pursued vigorously, may lead to the end of unconscious closing and a generally more compassionate stance.

Closing my heart leads to increasing relational disharmony and ill will. It feels uncomfortable to me, as well as the other. Yet I keep on doing it, as if I am trapped in this painful pattern and don’t know how to get out. Closing my heart doesn’t feel like something I do. Rather, my experience is more that another acts unlovingly or not to my liking, and my heart seems to close by itself. If I abhor spending the rest of my life believing myself a victim of my own mechanism, it is crucial to cast the strongest possible doubt on this perception that my heart just closes. If being  someone with compassion is appealing, the alternative view that I close my heart and can therefore learn to stop, is infinitely more palatable.

When I am harboring harsh or judgmental feelings towards my partner, a strong part of me generally wants to justify and hold onto them, despite the fact that they make me uncomfortable to my core, and are toxic to my being. I suspect that what causes my resentment is the belief that my partner is the one responsible for my emotional pain. If  this belief is illusory, my resentment is unfounded. Although I have given lip service to the widely held New Age dictum that I create my own reality, my persisting resentment shows me that I couldn’t possibly believe it.  I deeply sense we would both be better off were I to drop resentment by taking genuine responsibility for my feelings. How do I come upon this?

My partner’s actions towards me elicit hurt or anger. I realize that if I had stayed loving throughout I would not have felt these feelings, since love takes no offense. I am led to the question of whether I believe my partner deserves love only when they behave as I wish, or all the time, even when they appear unloving to me. Clearly the answer is all the time. Would I allow that when I feel hurt by them, my heart is not in a loving state? Although they deserve an open heart, I am not giving it. Do I believe there is some legitimate cause? If so, I invite my mind to present it now. It fusses and fidgets, but can come up with no good reason. If I am bothered by anything, it needs to be by this fact that I am withholding love for no good reason, more than by my partner’s particular behavior.

The crux of the matter lies in the question, “Who is it that closes my heart?” Since when I am loving I feel good, the only time I feel bad is when I have a closed heart. It follows, if only I can close my heart, only I can make myself  feel bad. Once I accept that my partner isn’t the cause of my feeling bad, I can no longer justify closing my heart to them. Opening my heart requires that I stop interpreting that another has the power to make me feel bad.

There are those who enter my life to comfort me, encourage me, appreciate me, love me – and there are others who come into my life to offer me the opportunity to open my closed heart: forgiveness practice. Sometimes I thought my partner was the former, and they turn out to be the latter. I am sometimes given challenges that test the limit of my capability. Perhaps one of my chief functions here is to learn how to open my heart when it is truly difficult.

***

Whether or not two partners are wishing each other well most of the time is the central pillar of satisfactoriness in relationship. Here is my partner in a bad mood, behaving as if they could use some love. They are giving me a perfect opportunity to open my heart to them when it is normally closed – and I’m not taking advantage of it. Why not? If the only time we show each other love and respect is when the other behaves as we wish, we are clearly heading for trouble.

When I complain about my partner, outwardly or inwardly, I am really asking, “How can I, from my current closed-hearted state, get them to change their behavior towards me?” Clearly, this could never succeed. I can try to figure out who to blame for love not having been there - or I can bring love to this moment. The only way their behavior will likely change lies in my asking a different question: “How can I open my closed heart?”

***

Occasions will arise where honesty and compassion may be in conflict: I contemplate telling a truth which may be painful to hear. It is true that compassion may sometimes join together with honesty in a way that makes honesty more palatable. Nevertheless, when honesty confronts compassion head-on, I trust compassion’s wisdom in when and how to be honest, more than I do honesty’s knowledge of when to be compassionate.

[Josh]What is the quality, then, of a relationship that uses the wellspring of non-dualism, and brings it into reality, as it is on the ground, in relationship, if the two people aren’t necessarily aligned around that goal  – but can have a healthy relationship?

[Don] If one person feels that way, lets say it’s me, my interest is learning to open my heart. I am convinced that the central factor in a spiritual relationship is opening the closed heart. I think it’s the central thing the world needs, the central thing a relationship needs. In the psychological literature it is overly ignored; yet without it, very little of value can occur.

And it seems like we are moving away from that direction.

So I say opening the closed heart is the central thing, and I’m wanting to do that for myself. Not just because it will feel better to you, or I’m supposed to. But because I really want to feel good, and I’ve discovered when my heart is closed, I don’t. So it’s partly for selfish reasons; it’s just that my selfishness has become broader and wiser.

All the psychology pieces: we talk about rapport, wellbeing, friendliness, genuineness, empathy…love is completely absent. It’s like a taboo.

To be fair, I want to put out an energy that says “I wish you well”. The things you mentioned do contribute to that. That’s the main thing missing when couples aren’t getting along. They put out too much of the time, mutually, “I don’t wish you well.” This is the central thing in any moment of relationship, the single most important factor, mostly what the other person reacts to, the presence or absence of that quality. So empathy is not unrelated to this, because it helps the other feel safe, and that you wish them well. Ultimately it’s love, but the psychological profession is still a little uncomfortable with that, so that do some of the lesser aspects. But love is the bottom line, “I wish you well.”

Don Rosenthal and I had several great conversations that we recorded this last winter. We will be putting out pieces of them here.

[ Josh] Do you think that people’s sense of self-reflection, their ability to dialogue with themselves, their ability to bear witness to their own thoughts and feelings, is a natural process, or something cultivated?

[Don] I think it’s cultivated.

So what helps to cultivate it?

What helps is pointing out what I see is going on…lets say I have the guy and woman talking about a loaded topic. He suddenly adapts a harsh and blaming tone, the woman cringes a bit. His expression becomes hard. I say, “Stop. Take a snapshot of yourself right now. Are you feeling warmth and good will towards her, or not? I interrupt them in mid experience so they can discover, this is what it feels like to have a closed heart. I also get them to feel what it feels like when partner is talking to them with a closed heart – and with an open heart. Stopping them in midstream so they learn to take snapshots of themselves. They learn, “Boy, a closed heart feels bad to be at the receiving end, and it feels bad to be at the giving end”. It doesn’t matter what it’s about. It takes different forms like anxiety and fear, hurt and sadness, anger, frustration, resentment, blame, judgment. They all have something in common: a contractive, non-loving feeling. Most people after a while understand what is meant by that. Next step: “You have to get clear, is it okay that the two of you continue to relate to each other with a closed heart? Or do you see the necessity for changing that?” You look for people to say, “My heart is often closed to you, and I wish that it be more open.” Then, the single biggest leap is to get people to see, “You deserve my love always; not just when you behave right. And I don’t always give it to you.” But if I take my stand that you deserve it always, that means when I discover when I’m not giving it, I will no longer justify that by pointing to your behavior as a reason. The is the biggest leap, although not too many people get it.

That seems to be it; it’s creating unconditional safety in the relationship.

The reason the closed heart persists and even grows is because I keep watering {justifying} it by saying you deserve it. If I subtract that and stop watering it, a totally new dynamic will come into play. This is for me, if I’m climbing a mountain, and my goal is to get first to a meadow halfway up, this is that meadow.

You are telling the other, you don’t deserve to be oppressed in my presence, and I’m not going to participate in that.

I won’t support when my heart closes. It will close. I accept the fact that it’s closed; but I will not support it. Sometimes when Martha and I are really closed, all we can find is, “I have a little willingness to be open. I’m not there, and I don’t know how. But I am willing to be open.” That to me is the bridge.