“I wish you well.”

Awakening Together continuing conversations…

[Josh]What is the quality, then, of a relationship that uses the wellspring of non-dualism, and brings it into reality, as it is on the ground, in relationship, if the two people aren’t necessarily aligned around that goal  – but can have a healthy relationship?

[Don] If one person feels that way, lets say it’s me, my interest is learning to open my heart. I am convinced that the central factor in a spiritual relationship is opening the closed heart. I think it’s the central thing the world needs, the central thing a relationship needs. In the psychological literature it is overly ignored; yet without it, very little of value can occur.

And it seems like we are moving away from that direction.

So I say opening the closed heart is the central thing, and I’m wanting to do that for myself. Not just because it will feel better to you, or I’m supposed to. But because I really want to feel good, and I’ve discovered when my heart is closed, I don’t. So it’s partly for selfish reasons; it’s just that my selfishness has become broader and wiser.

All the psychology pieces: we talk about rapport, wellbeing, friendliness, genuineness, empathy…love is completely absent. It’s like a taboo.

To be fair, I want to put out an energy that says “I wish you well”. The things you mentioned do contribute to that. That’s the main thing missing when couples aren’t getting along. They put out too much of the time, mutually, “I don’t wish you well.” This is the central thing in any moment of relationship, the single most important factor, mostly what the other person reacts to, the presence or absence of that quality. So empathy is not unrelated to this, because it helps the other feel safe, and that you wish them well. Ultimately it’s love, but the psychological profession is still a little uncomfortable with that, so that do some of the lesser aspects. But love is the bottom line, “I wish you well.”

So what helps to cultivate “it”?

Awakening Together continuing conversations…

Don Rosenthal and I had several great conversations that we recorded this last winter. We will be putting out pieces of them here.

[ Josh] Do you think that people’s sense of self-reflection, their ability to dialogue with themselves, their ability to bear witness to their own thoughts and feelings, is a natural process, or something cultivated?

[Don] I think it’s cultivated.

So what helps to cultivate it?

What helps is pointing out what I see is going on…lets say I have the guy and woman talking about a loaded topic. He suddenly adapts a harsh and blaming tone, the woman cringes a bit. His expression becomes hard. I say, “Stop. Take a snapshot of yourself right now. Are you feeling warmth and good will towards her, or not? I interrupt them in mid experience so they can discover, this is what it feels like to have a closed heart. I also get them to feel what it feels like when partner is talking to them with a closed heart – and with an open heart. Stopping them in midstream so they learn to take snapshots of themselves. They learn, “Boy, a closed heart feels bad to be at the receiving end, and it feels bad to be at the giving end”. It doesn’t matter what it’s about. It takes different forms like anxiety and fear, hurt and sadness, anger, frustration, resentment, blame, judgment. They all have something in common: a contractive, non-loving feeling. Most people after a while understand what is meant by that. Next step: “You have to get clear, is it okay that the two of you continue to relate to each other with a closed heart? Or do you see the necessity for changing that?” You look for people to say, “My heart is often closed to you, and I wish that it be more open.” Then, the single biggest leap is to get people to see, “You deserve my love always; not just when you behave right. And I don’t always give it to you.” But if I take my stand that you deserve it always, that means when I discover when I’m not giving it, I will no longer justify that by pointing to your behavior as a reason. The is the biggest leap, although not too many people get it.

That seems to be it; it’s creating unconditional safety in the relationship.

The reason the closed heart persists and even grows is because I keep watering {justifying} it by saying you deserve it. If I subtract that and stop watering it, a totally new dynamic will come into play. This is for me, if I’m climbing a mountain, and my goal is to get first to a meadow halfway up, this is that meadow.

You are telling the other, you don’t deserve to be oppressed in my presence, and I’m not going to participate in that.

I won’t support when my heart closes. It will close. I accept the fact that it’s closed; but I will not support it. Sometimes when Martha and I are really closed, all we can find is, “I have a little willingness to be open. I’m not there, and I don’t know how. But I am willing to be open.” That to me is the bridge.